So, i’ve been feeling pretty judgemental lately. And i’m about to tell you about some of my issues. If you don’t like it, and it offends you, my bad. But before i start this i should probably apologize about my last post. It was pretty shitty, plus i kind of bounced from different topics, and never finished my story. Turns out it’s too humiliating to put into words, right now.
But anyway, let’s get to the important thing here, my irrational judgement of people.
For the record, i know that i have shallow bitchy thoughts, and i can be slightly hypocritical.
I’ve had this idea, ever since i can remember, that i’m special. The way i like to phrase it is,” If i were in a movie, i’d be the star. It’d be about me, and how amazing and talented i am”.
I know that i’m crazy, and i understand that i’m not any more special than anyone else, but i can’t help instinctively thinking that i do things better than most people. My bad.
So, i met this guy. And he was pretty cool. We hung out for hours, and turns out we like a ton of the same shit. He thinks i’m pretty cool because he doesn’t meet a lot of girls like me. Hanging out with me is apparently kind of like being with a guy. Well, i was just enjoying hanging out with somebody who liked the things i liked, and for once didn’t think i was crazy. It was all gravy (haha) until we were chatting and he asked me if i had a boyfriend.
Now, before i answer let me fill you in on something. I FUCKING HATE when guys do that shit. It’s not just that he asked the question. It’s the fact that he was testing to see if i was available, and after i said i didn’t have one he felt free to “bust a move”. That shit just pisses me off. I am so fucking tired of guys who think only about “getting” with a girl. I don’t want to belong to anybody. I don’t want any guys touching me tenderly, or kissing me. I do not fucking want a romantic relationship right now. It literally sickens me to think about being with a guy. I hate being in a room alone with a guy, because i’m nervous he’ll try to get with me. And i don’t want to. I just don’t understand why we can’t just hang out. Like why the fuck can’t a guy just respect the fact that you have similar interests. Just because we both like music, doesn’t mean i want your fucking tongue down my throat. There are other things sort of like this that bother me. Like if i’m holding hands with a guy, especially a guy i just met; and he starts like rubbing parts of my body. Like my arms, or my thigh. It really pisses me off when they try to slip a hand in my shirt. It’s like fuck. I’m holding your hand, not handing you my body on a fucking platter. It just sucks.
It makes me feel like shit. Like i’m just a piece of meat.
It makes me feel SICK.
I do not want people touching me. It’s that simple. Why can’t anybody just understand that?
It’s weird because when a guy goes from something simple like holding hands, to trying to feel me up, i just kind of freeze. I always, ALWAYS try to push their hand away. So far they’ve all done the same thing. They’ve pretended that they weren’t going to do that, and after i’ve finally calmed the storm in my head…
SURPRISE!!!!
He’s trying to get his hand in my shirt again. And this time when i push his hand away i get this funny look, like he’s saying wtf man? When really i should be the one pissed off (i am). It’s ridiculous. I just want to be respected. I want to have relationships that actually mean something. I don’t want some prick thinking that i’m his fucking play thing. I’m never playing that game again. You can never win. All i was is to be seen as a person. I want to be able to spend time with somebody without getting groped. I don’t understand why this happens to me. It’s not like i’m a slut. I’m 17 years old and i’m a virgin. I’ve given 1 hj and i’ve been fingered a couple times. If anything i’m a prude. I don’t dress slutty, i’m not promiscuous. I have no clue why i get treated like shit. It feels a hell of a lot like i’m just something for them to keep. Like i’m their pet or something. It breaks my heart.
p.s i never actually got to the judging part because i went off on this rant, but i’ll post about it tomorrow. Here’s a hint…. I <3 depression! It's so effin kewl!
