So, i’ve had a pretty tough couple of days. Hence the lack of blogs. I’ve been manic, and i’ve also been so down that i couldn’t get out of bed. It is so frustrating not being able to control this shit. I try so hard to keep myself in check, but it seems like no matter what i do i always end up losing control and falling apart. It just sucks. I feel like it’s pointless to even try. I just want to let it all go and get fucked up. I don’t understand. I tried so hard. I took my pills when i was supposed to, i go to therapy. I try to keep some sort of routine. I tried so hard to keep up with my homework, but still everything started slipping. Now i’m here, as low as i can get. Today it seemed like i was coming out of it, but i feel like i’m at the edge of an abyss and if i’m not careful i’m going to fall back in. I feel so fragile like the wrong word will break me. Sometimes, well actually all of the time i think of my self-control, and the fact that i’m so afraid to upset people i don’t do the things i want when i’m upset. I just want to scream, i want to throw things, break things, cut. The list goes on and on. I just want to lose control, but i can’t because of the way people would react. Why the hell can’t people just leave me alone and let me cope with shit the way i need to?
Today started out with all of the promise of being a great day. I actually got out of bed before the sunset, i showered, ate breakfast, and did all of my chores. I was feeling pretty proud of myself for finally getting on my feet. I was so happy, i mean i haven’t done anything in days. The fact that i got so much stuff accomplished was amazing. Then i called one of my parents and they asked if i was doing anything today. I said that i might hang out with someone i met at school. And they got insanely happy, and started talking about how i should really do it! When they got home i told them that i couldn’t get a hold of my friend and that i might stay home. Then i got a lecture about how i’m a young teenager and i need to get out and enjoy life. My reaction? IT’S NOT MY FUCKING FAULT THAT I HAVE LIKE TWO FUCKING FRIENDS. I mean fuck i would love to get out of the house. But i have no fucking idea what i could do. I have literally two friends. I barely talk to anybody besides them. They’re both busy living their lives, not to mention i’m in a bit of a fight with one of them. So, what in the hell am i supposed to do? Goddamn it’s pitiful when your own parents think you’re a fucking loser.
